Tired of Waiting

Tired of Waiting

Tired of waiting Is my life, or rather this experience, going to be a series of me waiting for things to happen?

We heard about the job in Bangkok in May 2012, we waited for the post to be advertised, then for an interview date, there was the interview, then we awaited an outcome. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I told my work I may be leaving but I can’t confirm when. I gave a resignation date, then changed it to a later date, and my colleagues waited with me, for what felt like an eternity. It’s been 11 months since we decided it would be a good move for our family. We apply, (I say ‘we’ because it felt like I was there throughout the entire process, lingering in the background like the last reveller to leave the party). We compose ourselves, ready for ‘the move’. People ask questions we can’t answer, ‘when are you going?’ “Dunno” I offer, “soon I hope”. James gets the job, we drink fizz, we tell our friends and family, it’s official, we’re off. Then we wait for a start date, and wait, and wait. Flight details, visa applications, work permits, passport photos, resignations, cancel direct debits ‘you can’t cancel your contract you’ve got to wait til blah blah blah’. All the while in a state of limbo. “Are you worried about going?” “No, I just want to go”.

So we move, we live in a hotel, it’s more than adequate but there’s nothing for the kids to do, they’re waiting for their toys to arrive. We live in a hotel and we wait til we find somewhere to live, we wait for our belongings and we wait for our move to our more permanent place. We try to find  a school/nursery/domestic help/we wait to find our feet. I read a book The Power Of Now, Eckhart Tolle, which tells me not to wait. I am in conflict with my circumstances.

I am not a natural when it comes to patience, I have an infant-like need to fulfill my desires in the moment. To scratch my itch. In the past this has got me into trouble, but I’ve never really learnt how to just hang on, but I’m beginning to. Abe (4) and Patti (2) don’t understand waiting, they too demand instant gratification so I feed them, when they’ve been waiting a while, partly to shut them up and stop the whining, and part because that’s what I’d like to happen to me when I’m in stasis. Feed me. It’s hard to learn patience as a 35+ never mind an under 5. I could never do jigsaws and never bother telling me a riddle. The kids complain: I want my dinner, I want that toy, now mummy, now. And “are we nearly at Bangkok?” “No son, we’re on the M56″. I’m not cross, I’m patient with them because my inner child is whining and complaining and tsk’ing and frowning.

Suddenly this experience, this time, will have ended. We’ll all be back in Blighty and if I’m not careful I’ll still be waiting for it to begin. So something has to change, the waiting has to become part of the present otherwise my life will just be a series of standstill non-events, in endless queues: Pleasure – 1 hour from this point.

Is a scarecrow waiting for some birds to scare, or is it fulfilled just by standing in the field?

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